I tried so hard to like Madonna...

I tried so hard to like Madonna, I really did. If text had a sound, these words would be a wheedling regretful dirge of unfulfilled longing, a longing to like the extremely gifted and commercially successful Madonna.

I tried, I really tried. Not. To. Comment.

But F*** it. On the news tonight, a wired-up fully-paid member of the professional Madonna-arse-suckers corporation (or lackey), with her taut and anally-pledged hair bunches, impersonally carrying a small black baby through an airport as if it were a bag of smack. Her nervous personal-assistant smile seemed ironic, like a gargoyle's welcoming of visitors to the dark cloisters. She's carrying this boy as contraband, to protect the identity of the real buyer, her boss Madonna.

Here's how it works. Laws apply, people do their best. But not if you're a feisty woman on the million-make. Madonna's making her life complete, by not being outdone by Brad Pitt and his night-mare Angelina Jolie. She's making her family complete by buying a baby (lock stock and barrel Guy?) and he's black. He's poor. She's going to release an album of devotional african songs to show that she's really an african at heart. Really. Madonna can officially trace her roots back as far as the dawn of humankind, well the Kaballah tells her that, and that's good enough for her.

Meanwhile, anybody who objects doesn't care about dying babies. Anybody who objects is just jealous of her fame and fortune. Anybody who objects clearly hasn't seen the DVD of her recent tour where she just, like, blew everyone's heads off with her nasally, childish pop jerky.

Guy Ritchie is looking forward to the moment when little black baby looks up and says in a gruff cockney voice; " It was never going to work. Guy knew that. Little Davie knew that. Blimey, even the sparrers and the barrer boys knew that it was all going to end..in unmanly tears ". Of course, it won't be long before the other Madonna children demand their own adopted babies, but that's a lot easier to deflect than the normal request for a kitten. Or a goldfish.

Madonna you sick and tawdry cow. I find myself spewing illiterate bile here because somewhere in an attic there's a picture of the original Cruella de Ville and she's wearing a pointy bra.